Friday, November 17, 2006

So after 2 weeks off I've been thinking about stuff other than work and thought I would record some insights:
I have come a long way the past year. I physically, emotionally and mentally changed an awful lot.
I am now 22 and I don't know and cannot say whether I feel I am happy with what I have achieved so far in life.
I always wanted to grow up quickly and I want to more things then I could fit into 10 lives, let alone just the one!
I have met and been parted from some good people, some bad people, some crazy people and some unbelievebly incredible people this year. I have felt regret and I have felt amazing happiness....be it in a moment or a month. So many ajustments and changes...getting forced to become used to dealing with so much ambiguity on a daily basis. I have learnt not to over-plan. If you hold too high expectations of plans, as with people, you get let down...perhaps not intentionally and perhaps not all due to their behaviour (though we wish and would probably have ourselves believe we are RIGHT!)
I feel older...Iam now greeting collegues by a kiss on the cheek...I don't know when I became one of those women wo kisses people on the cheek to greet, when did it become the 'done' thing?...when did a handshake become redundant?
I was invoted to dinner tonight by my good friend and mentor Dan. Dan has taught me a lot, but more about myself and my behaiour than how to do my job!
I have known Dan since I was 17. He took me on at Starbucks.
Eitherway, there we were very civil, there were 6 of us for dinner...we were drinking red wine (Rioja) and bitching about other managers who were not in attendance at the shin-dig!
Emma, who used to be the newest gal on the block seems to have aptivated Dan. She is 26, slightly larger than me in build, black hair (fake), fading tan (fake), wonky smile (fake 99% of the time!) and there she was the buzz of the dinner table...craking jokes and telling anecdotes to the group. She is good at speaking and her delivery of any given subject is non the less very convincing. She's good basically. Good at what she is doing.
I wonder if she looks at her life in the same way I do? Like..."Oh um Dan, hehehe, I fucking wonder if I'll be married with kids by the time I'm fucking 30?"
She swears a lot...it's a prerequsite for working at Starbucks...I'm fulfilling the criteria brilliantly...the things I can say when I get going...cover your grannys ear's is all I'm saying...you get the picture!
But why...prey tell...is this verbally incontenant, over facially caked, loud mouthed, mediocre manager captivating the table so?
I don't get it...don;t get me wrong I have my sharp moments, I have my witty, centre of attention spotlight moments but not all the time...no one person should be that...you know...ENTERTAINING!!
Dance wench dance!
So back to the point....hang on....what was the point? let me re-read...
Right well...I have now moved back in with dearest mummy and daddy...I have a room I cannot swing a cat in, no literally, I tried (sorry Maxxy!)
It doesn't much help that there I was last Saturday, in 'Dreams', a bed shop in Filton...being added by the salesman...I think 'Fuck It' and buy a double bed...If you were unaware a double bed is apparently 4'6 (oh yes, you have heard right I am now a bed sizing specialist thanks to this little escapade!) However, after paying a further £30 for delievery within 3 working days, the bed is delivered...Steve and I unpack the thing and realise, low and behold I needed a 4' double...not a 4'6...box rooms do not really cater for 4'6 beds...BUGGER...is all I'm thinking! ('Dreams' don't do refunds or exchanges I found out after 30 mins arguing with useless 'help desk' person....help MY ARSE!)
So here I am...In my tiny room, on my 4'6 bed with my two cats and wonder if I really have made the vast leap forward this year I seem to be professing I have had? Is this not a case of 1 step forward, 5 back?
I have not lived with my 'rents since I was 18....Had I not left then I would, most probably be debt free..as most of a loan have was due to my purchasing a ridiculously BEC (big expensive car). BEC cost a fair few grand and as I was 19 when I got it (catalyst being a break up from a 3 year long relationship-yes-I depression spend). It kinda screwed me getting that loan...Oh well...shit happens (Don't wince at my language...I warned you to cover your grannys ear's!!)
I am indeed older and I think I can deduse wiser....though I have yet to brush up on my thrilling conversational skills and enable myself to capture and audience with my witty reparte and semi-fake tan!
So here I am, Caroline, 22 years old, fighting the Green Eyed Monster (Starbucks and Jealously!)....trying to figure out if someone asked me tomorrow "Are you happy?" would I say be able to say "yes" whole heartedly? You know what....I think I would just say...."ask me next year, I'd have figured it out by then