The fucked up times

I’m scared…really scared…I currently have tears rolling down my face…I am a wreck and I have brought on all this fear and pain myself. I got some chest pains this weekend past and had a scare a couple of weeks ago, when an ex mentioned he had been treated for Chlamydia. I went to my doctor and got a little test pot to do a swab at home and a prescription to take after the swab to be on the safe side…but I did nothing with either…I am scared stiff and bury my head in the sand, where it is warm and safe. I am not worried about Chlamydia; I am worried about HIV and the small issue of death that it brings with it. At times like these I wish and wish that I had found religion…I need someone up there to hear my silent screams and to deliver me from my nightmares…

I have a wonderful man, a man I am so scared of hurting and indeed losing….but most of all I want no harm to come of him. I wish I could pray to god for help, but it seems helpless…

I am stuck in a bind…I could go and get the test…hope upon hope that I am spared of bad news and move on with my life in a more cautious and spiritual manner…or I could speak to my man and ask for his help, support and love…because If I have no faith I must ask for love… though I do not deserve his love as I may have brought him so much pain and hurt. If I cannot be spared I cannot bear to go on living if he isn’t sparred either…he has never shown me anything but love and tenderness and I repay him by killing him. I am distraught and it is midnight and no-one can save me from my thoughts…I am drowning in tears and cannot explain the pain I feel…not for myself as much as those around me who don’t deserve this…

I swear I will try harder and protect myself and others…especially him…my light at the end of the tunnel…my happy ever after…my prince…my lover and my friend…

If I should die, please forgive me for the troubles I have caused and understand that this was never in the pursuit of mischief but my pure naivety and need, no want, no grow up quicker than I have been ready. Should this man leave me, understand I do not blame him…but know I love you more and more with every day that passes and every sky that rolls onward…you steal more of my heart with every second spent together…I never planned nor expected to find you, yet I have and now the saddest thing is I could lose you.

I am scared, but more scared of not having you by my side, holding my hand, then of dying.