I am now about 3 weeks into taking anti-depressants and do feel a lot better...I am not sure the counselling is doing much but that's not the end of the world.
My relationship with myself is coming more easily and I feel happy in myself...I see joy in things I have ignored before.
I don't feel the need to eat all day, though I am drinking silly amounts of tea!
I a trying to project all this new positive energy into my horse and my spare time...however I need to pay the rent and have been fortunate enough to have found a job with relative ease, it'll pay the same as YO but with more support and less stress...I want to be myself, whatever that is.
I have looked at practicing photography and my good friend Andrew lent me his camera, Matt is getting a bike so we can ride together, I have been painting water colours again and Sian is trying to get me to start belly dancing!
Fingers crossed
Sunday, 1 March 2009
Thursday, 12 February 2009
Re-birth
Reminiscent of my previous blog...I am off sick from a job I've been doing 8.5 months! However it is possibly the best thing that could have happened in my life at this time.
I have been signed off with stress, anxiety and depression...hell it was gonna happen... since just before Xmas 2008 I have fond it hard to manage my emotions. I have found it near on impossible to function with some kind of 'normality'
I recognise the depression...that sickly feeling of having a heavy heart...of feeling a physical weight on my chest...of wanting to throw up when my mind has dug a hole, so deep that you can't see light anymore.
I understand stress...I used to scoff and poo, poo those signed off with stress..."get a grip and get to work" would be my personal opinion of those under 'stress'.
Anxiety, as I see it, is the result of stress...it's the actual act of moving at speed towards the brick wall...like watching yourself in a crash....you know it's inevitable you'll feel the impact...but it's in slow motion...therefore plenty of time to wind your body up for the worse.
On Monday the 2nd Feb, I woke up, showered, got dressed...prepared to go to work....found it no easier or harder to get up...had even text my assistant manager saying that i was running late...we joked that we were both shit.
Then I called Matt...and for no reason cried my eyes out....the only words 'I can't do this, I can't do this'
I was hardly able to string a sentence between heavy breaths from my tears....
Matt came round, meanwhile I called mum...she panicked...I didn't know why I couldn't do it...I have finally impacted the wall...it crept up on me...I felt every inch of the impact...every bone shattering, shaking me to my soul...what was left of it.
I understood the need to not be alive...not to die, not to kill myself, but a non-existence...a feeling of having never been participating in my life...merely watching it through a glass wall... allowing the events around me to guide me. Not allowing myself to be active...to make decisions.
I have seen 2 counsellors, one called Sue is now there for me, as long as I need her...she is very mumsy, warm and nonthreatening...
I have started taking anti-depressants again...from this Monday 9th...day 4 and I feel a bit nauseous but otherwise OK.
I have been signed off now until the 19th Feb...then I need to see...
I have been signed off with stress, anxiety and depression...hell it was gonna happen... since just before Xmas 2008 I have fond it hard to manage my emotions. I have found it near on impossible to function with some kind of 'normality'
I recognise the depression...that sickly feeling of having a heavy heart...of feeling a physical weight on my chest...of wanting to throw up when my mind has dug a hole, so deep that you can't see light anymore.
I understand stress...I used to scoff and poo, poo those signed off with stress..."get a grip and get to work" would be my personal opinion of those under 'stress'.
Anxiety, as I see it, is the result of stress...it's the actual act of moving at speed towards the brick wall...like watching yourself in a crash....you know it's inevitable you'll feel the impact...but it's in slow motion...therefore plenty of time to wind your body up for the worse.
On Monday the 2nd Feb, I woke up, showered, got dressed...prepared to go to work....found it no easier or harder to get up...had even text my assistant manager saying that i was running late...we joked that we were both shit.
Then I called Matt...and for no reason cried my eyes out....the only words 'I can't do this, I can't do this'
I was hardly able to string a sentence between heavy breaths from my tears....
Matt came round, meanwhile I called mum...she panicked...I didn't know why I couldn't do it...I have finally impacted the wall...it crept up on me...I felt every inch of the impact...every bone shattering, shaking me to my soul...what was left of it.
I understood the need to not be alive...not to die, not to kill myself, but a non-existence...a feeling of having never been participating in my life...merely watching it through a glass wall... allowing the events around me to guide me. Not allowing myself to be active...to make decisions.
I have seen 2 counsellors, one called Sue is now there for me, as long as I need her...she is very mumsy, warm and nonthreatening...
I have started taking anti-depressants again...from this Monday 9th...day 4 and I feel a bit nauseous but otherwise OK.
I have been signed off now until the 19th Feb...then I need to see...
Wednesday, July 23, 2008...How things change
Well how things change. I sit here and write this while I am off sick from a job I've been doing for 5 weeks. Don't get me wrong I enjoy the job, quite a bit actually. It's different and I'm trying to get used to it, but then I got tonsillitis...not only thet but a 'secondary infection' in my teeth on the right hand side of my mouth. It's killing me.
I've felt sleepy and depressed and generally fed up with everything. I hate being ill.
I also got a couple of shitty texts off someone from work telling me I should have let them know I was ill, even though I did.
Oh well, at least if I get fired I can sleep more and who knows probably get paid more to do the same shit I've been doing for years. Oh I know I sound down and all...but it's just horrid feeling this out of control. I don't doubt my abilities....I have some great mentors (and some perverted) but they are there to help me see my brilliance and how I do!
I will be employing the best and doing a doozy of an opening in Bristol on the 25th of September and I have plenty to do when I have the chance to crack on with it.
Wish me luck xxx
I've felt sleepy and depressed and generally fed up with everything. I hate being ill.
I also got a couple of shitty texts off someone from work telling me I should have let them know I was ill, even though I did.
Oh well, at least if I get fired I can sleep more and who knows probably get paid more to do the same shit I've been doing for years. Oh I know I sound down and all...but it's just horrid feeling this out of control. I don't doubt my abilities....I have some great mentors (and some perverted) but they are there to help me see my brilliance and how I do!
I will be employing the best and doing a doozy of an opening in Bristol on the 25th of September and I have plenty to do when I have the chance to crack on with it.
Wish me luck xxx
Monday, February 11, 2008...Hello there...
I thought I'd write. I enjoy writing. I feel like I sort through my head, file thoughts and make sense of the mess that lives there!
1. Work- Hard, scary, dissapointing people, depending on me, long hours, failure, stability, success, wants, hopes, fear, on top of me, too much sometimes.
2. Men- Confusing, hurt past, excitment of future, scary, loneliness, helplessness, needs, consistency, stability, wants, fear, understanding what I want, is it what I want, what is what I want?
3. Family- worry, helplessness, dependancy, likes and dislikes, understanding
All of the above are thoughts as they work you towards your future. I have wanted so many things, for so many years...now I don't know what I want, or maybe I kinda do, but not enough so to define it.
Someone I know, pointed out I am a worrier...I am...also a analyser...also guilty!
I just don't want to keep wandering down the wrong paths...I guess you don't think they're wrong when you choose them.
By writing I can regurjitate these thoughts out onto the page and hope for the best... I can make sense of the things I'm feeling, that I should or shouldn't be feeling.
Someone told me they go to sleep thinking about me and wake up thinking about me...
I like someone, maybe more than like...but do I...or do I think I do?
?????MY MIND?????
1. Work- Hard, scary, dissapointing people, depending on me, long hours, failure, stability, success, wants, hopes, fear, on top of me, too much sometimes.
2. Men- Confusing, hurt past, excitment of future, scary, loneliness, helplessness, needs, consistency, stability, wants, fear, understanding what I want, is it what I want, what is what I want?
3. Family- worry, helplessness, dependancy, likes and dislikes, understanding
All of the above are thoughts as they work you towards your future. I have wanted so many things, for so many years...now I don't know what I want, or maybe I kinda do, but not enough so to define it.
Someone I know, pointed out I am a worrier...I am...also a analyser...also guilty!
I just don't want to keep wandering down the wrong paths...I guess you don't think they're wrong when you choose them.
By writing I can regurjitate these thoughts out onto the page and hope for the best... I can make sense of the things I'm feeling, that I should or shouldn't be feeling.
Someone told me they go to sleep thinking about me and wake up thinking about me...
I like someone, maybe more than like...but do I...or do I think I do?
?????MY MIND?????
Monday, October 08, 2007...Why can't I...?
I can't seem to let go of feelings that flood me sometimes...
I can't put my finger on what I'm feeling and why I am...
I don't feel pain or love or hurt anymore...
I just don't understand what I did or why I did it or why I feel certain things towards certain people...
I can't say I'm sorry nor forgive the mistakes you seem to have made...
I can't trust or love or hate you for it....
I cannot forgive this betrayal of my trust...I can't forget the day it happened...
I won't give up on us cus I am not a quitter...is it worth it?
Will I ever look at our photo's and smile fondly, or will I always miss the person you were and the couple we had the chance to be?
Will I ever believe you when you make plans with 'Wayne' again... will I ever believe you got over her.
I can't explain every night that it still hurts and the moments to my self to catch my thoughts are spent in tears.
I am with you in body but my mind and soul are gone from this love. I have nothing left to give nor explain.
I want beyond want to never give you up, but I feel you want to be free so deserve to go.
Funny how my tears feel cold running down my face, once they were so warm and alive.
Now a steady stream just pours without control like the waterfall we bathed our feet in, up in the mountains in Turkey...ever falling...never ending...
Why can't I let it go?
I can't put my finger on what I'm feeling and why I am...
I don't feel pain or love or hurt anymore...
I just don't understand what I did or why I did it or why I feel certain things towards certain people...
I can't say I'm sorry nor forgive the mistakes you seem to have made...
I can't trust or love or hate you for it....
I cannot forgive this betrayal of my trust...I can't forget the day it happened...
I won't give up on us cus I am not a quitter...is it worth it?
Will I ever look at our photo's and smile fondly, or will I always miss the person you were and the couple we had the chance to be?
Will I ever believe you when you make plans with 'Wayne' again... will I ever believe you got over her.
I can't explain every night that it still hurts and the moments to my self to catch my thoughts are spent in tears.
I am with you in body but my mind and soul are gone from this love. I have nothing left to give nor explain.
I want beyond want to never give you up, but I feel you want to be free so deserve to go.
Funny how my tears feel cold running down my face, once they were so warm and alive.
Now a steady stream just pours without control like the waterfall we bathed our feet in, up in the mountains in Turkey...ever falling...never ending...
Why can't I let it go?
Tuesday, August 28, 2007...Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy
So...with 5 days to go to my holiday and I am feeling contemplative...
It has been a hectic 12 months and lots has happened and I can say, with some reseration that I am at a happy juncture in life where all my juggling balls are still in flight...in other words...tentatively...I am happy.
Now, please don't get me wrong...I am an impossible, moody, grumpy and pessimistic wench at times, but I also believe I can be cute, funny, loving and downright sexy if the situation calls for it. No-one knows this more than my man and the people who are around me in my day to day life.
I really do need to learn to take 2 steps back sometimes...I also need to learn to lay the past to rest...past mistakes, past hopes and past experiences...all of which influence the way I behave today.
What I'm trying to get at here is, as u may know from other blogs, I have an uncanny ability to sabotage my own happiness by allowing my own self esteem to plummet...I am currently going to the gym, eating better and starting to remind myself who Caz is...
But I am scared, of what, I couldn't fully say. I guess of the future, but also of all I have to lose now... I have so much I don't want to let slip away that there is risk involved...and how far away can you push someone until they go?
But I judge my present by my past and I forget that this time really is different...I am grown now, almost 23... the person in my life, who challenges me to look at myself is a loyal, loving and trustworthy man, who really has never given me any reason to doubt his intentions...he has only ever been honest and encouraging...
But I need to take the 10 secs to understand that a call or a text or a comment, is face value with him...he isn't a player and not a cad...he is just himself...he once said 'you don't know what you got til it's gone' but believe me, I know exactly what I've got...I have no intention of messing this up...this man is mine and he is a best friend...
So... We all know life is not as easy as we would like, but I know I have a damn lot worth fighting for...
That's it!
It has been a hectic 12 months and lots has happened and I can say, with some reseration that I am at a happy juncture in life where all my juggling balls are still in flight...in other words...tentatively...I am happy.
Now, please don't get me wrong...I am an impossible, moody, grumpy and pessimistic wench at times, but I also believe I can be cute, funny, loving and downright sexy if the situation calls for it. No-one knows this more than my man and the people who are around me in my day to day life.
I really do need to learn to take 2 steps back sometimes...I also need to learn to lay the past to rest...past mistakes, past hopes and past experiences...all of which influence the way I behave today.
What I'm trying to get at here is, as u may know from other blogs, I have an uncanny ability to sabotage my own happiness by allowing my own self esteem to plummet...I am currently going to the gym, eating better and starting to remind myself who Caz is...
But I am scared, of what, I couldn't fully say. I guess of the future, but also of all I have to lose now... I have so much I don't want to let slip away that there is risk involved...and how far away can you push someone until they go?
But I judge my present by my past and I forget that this time really is different...I am grown now, almost 23... the person in my life, who challenges me to look at myself is a loyal, loving and trustworthy man, who really has never given me any reason to doubt his intentions...he has only ever been honest and encouraging...
But I need to take the 10 secs to understand that a call or a text or a comment, is face value with him...he isn't a player and not a cad...he is just himself...he once said 'you don't know what you got til it's gone' but believe me, I know exactly what I've got...I have no intention of messing this up...this man is mine and he is a best friend...
So... We all know life is not as easy as we would like, but I know I have a damn lot worth fighting for...
That's it!
Tuesday, July 03, 2007...Just a thought...(part 2)
I would like to share the following advice as some of the most innovative and straight talkin' lines ever to be read by myself, and I read a lot...
Feel free to post your thoughts...
"There's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything,But don't consider it giving up...It's realising that you don't need certain people, the bullshit and the drama they bring!"
I don't know why but I find that amazing...after all this time, my entire view on life has been summed up in 2 sentances...sweet...
Good night x
P.s. I will blog more once i get over this revelation!
Feel free to post your thoughts...
"There's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything,But don't consider it giving up...It's realising that you don't need certain people, the bullshit and the drama they bring!"
I don't know why but I find that amazing...after all this time, my entire view on life has been summed up in 2 sentances...sweet...
Good night x
P.s. I will blog more once i get over this revelation!
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